A pendulum swing, a moment's glimpse.

I'm DOO today, and its also my mother's Da Shou.. or 51st b'day according to canton tradition.

I'm feeling rather shitty about it of course.. but i guess i can't complain cus i conveniently forgot about my own DOO forecast.. having not done duty in. in.. 3 months, it feels weird.

I am a halfling.. if you understand what that means.

I don't like open discussions about my halfling status. those whom i tell that i am a halfling, i tell them that it is not open for discussion, because its something that i myself am not comfortable, or extremely excited, or happy about.

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I thought alot about why i work insanely hard yesterday.. i guess its because it is one of those moments that CO conveniently predicted that i will have..

He said that there will be moments where I will feel totally unappreciated, and my morale will just dip way beneath the deepest depths of the world.

Thats how i felt about yesterday afternoon, and it took alot to get my back on my feet.

I told S3 that i suddenly didn't know why i was doing THAT, and i couldn't see why i was working so much more... i felt bloody shitty.. and he could only reassure me with the answers he always regale me with when i feel shitty. it made me feel abit better. just abit.

i asked my spec.. what if i wasn't your DyS3 anymore? He said that Ops room will chui(turn bad.) Ops room is in a pretty bad state now already if you ask me... without a good specialist head in ops room.. i'm struggling to barely keep afloat.

When he replied his answer. i suddenly felt.. crap.. now its worth it.......

Its moments like these in the army that makes you keep on going.
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I noticed that its only your colleagues that care that you are stressed or overtly/insanely/pressurised by work. The rest of the people you call friends can't care less.

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Someone said the phrase "losing friends".. i thought that was very funny... how could you lose friends???

you don't lose friends!! You lose people in your life.. but not friends! if you cease to be on friendly terms, nicesities etc etc.. those people were NEVER your friends!! How cheap this term is.. my friend your friend.. every freaking person is your friend lah.

so don't say lose friend.. if that person was ever your friend, you'll never lose him/her.

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wow. i talked so much about work today.

In every essence, INSANE.

Work is as usual. Driving me crazy.

I cycled to church from camp today.. it was really far.. and quite a big mistake too...

Remember i mentioned that i sprained my back o'er the weekend? Yeah.. and when you're bicycle goes over the kerb.. that bumping motion? It hurts the hell outta you... so bad i couldn't sit properly in church..

Anyway. I'm running clean fatigued SOC with CO tommorow. Just to affiliate him with the route. Isn't that wonderful? I'm probably the most ridiculous person ever. Sprain back, still go and cycle to church, and still go and run SOC.. SIAO!

I drove aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalll the way to PLC to send dear Andrew his stupid books and stuff today (because he was lazy.. and i was nice.).. I thought that i was quite free (THOUGHT was the word). Until i decidedly and ahppily left camp.. driving BTO's car.. and people started deciding that i wasn't free. damn.

Anyway. The point was.. that BTO's car was making funny noises, and had like.. burnt rubber smells. And it was scaring the shits outta me. I kept thinking it was me.. and the car was like sooooo dead when it turned.. and the gears like totally screwed man.. haha..

and i had to drive it ALL the way from Amoy Quee to Pasir Laba.. madness.. I nearly thought i lost my way.. haha..

Anyway.. Singaporeans are a nice bunch.. i kinda got confused while cycling in Serangoon Gardens.. and i couldn't seem to get out.. and 2 nice ladies very willingly pointed the way out. Perhaps if this happened in less friendly areas of a particular neighbouring country whom raymond refered to as a lawless tribe, i would have been raped robbed and murdered.

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I drove past Jalan Bahar today.. well.. it holds alot of memories for me.. that place.. Section Live firing, countless route marches, exercises plying up and down Jln Bahar.. etc etc..

But most importantly, it contained the biggest knot in my throat, my paternal grandma and granpa's ashes.

You know.. we chinese are freaking sentimental over the burnt or buried body parts of particular individuals who had the spritual connection with them so much so we must like visit them countless of times a year.

Anyway. the Point is, i've onyl visited my Grandmother's niche like ONCE after she passed away during SARS (no she did not die of SARS)...

It mattered to me because i used to visit her monthly (when she as still aaalive).

And i couldn't help thinking and wondering whether i was still angry with her, for all the things that she could have done but did not, all the things she could have not done but did...

I thought quite deeply about driving back to camp.. and i felt.. somehow.. perplexed that i did not have any emotions or feelings towards this.

I have great sentiments towards my maternal grandmother's grave.. thats because i loved her very much.. and when she died.. i thought that i died too.

I felt that there was this calling for me to exit Jln Bahar to visit her niche. But i gave myself the excuse that i had work waiting. Why? when?

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I'll be going up to my hometown to pay respects to dead relatives and my granparents this qing ming.. specifically because it will be my last time for many years.. similarly, i'm going to visit all my close relations in the Federation (A.k.a Lian Bang) and eat shit loads of wonderful local fare.

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I hope my grandchildren love me and visit my niche when they are free. Don't you?