And its just weeeird.

A few days ago... the Sergeant- Majors and the Battery Officers, along with the Battery specialists TRIED to teach the recruitsm, rank structure and the habit of greeting officers..

Being a 2 bar officer in a largely 1 bar environment (apart from PSOs and CO).. i get greeted rather alot.. and heres one morning's odd routine.

I head downstairs for breakfast.. walking past HQ battery..

"Good morning HQ Battery.."

And the battery replies.. "Good morning Sir.." In perfect normal soldierism..

Then i put on my beret, and gait slowly past the parade square.. In no less then 2 seconds.. i hear....

"One! Two! GoooooooD Moooooooorning SIR!"

i carry on walking.. oblivious.. and the sergeant major nudges me..

"eh.. they greeting you lah!"

"oh oh.. Hi guys.. good morning.. "

A few more steps, and i'm attacked with a..

"Battery TIAM! Good morning sir!!"

"Morning.. morning.. carry on please....."

"permission to carry on sir!!!"

"Carry on.. carry on (doesn't bother to return the mandatory second salute)"

Recruit stands there like a doofus with his right hand on his forehead... "PERMISSION TO CARRY ON SIR!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Oh dammit.. alright.. carry on (finally returns the 2nd salute)"

And at least.. i reach the canteen for breakfast.

sigh.

And the Colonel called me Jason.

I had an entry, with the same title as well.. And the Colonel called me Jason.. The previous Colonel was COL Eugene Chong.. prev Comd Armour Institute, current Head GSI, we were having a very lively discussion on safety and its relevancy to NSF officers.

The Colonel this time was COL Mark something.. Comd 3 SIB.. cool. I like it very much when senior people remember your name.. it feels personal. I think he remembered my name cus he thought i was retarded or something.. He asked me a question.. and i was stoning.... hahaha.. oops. and he asked me another quetion.. and i took very long to answer.

like hello? i'm not a pro in Bde Fire support planning can?

Chief of Arty, COL lim chin on the other hand... gave me new names over the 2 odd week period i worked with him for gunners ball.. from Lin, to Jun, to Jonah, to whatever.. and finally.. on the last week did he remember my name.. sigh.

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I'm still dead shit worried about my back.. and i cannot imagine those stupid motherfarkas actually put my appointment on 19 may. I WOULD HAVE DIED BY THEN YOU STUPID ARSES. FARK OFF.

i am going to call CGH myself for an appointment. it is simply unacceptable.

And when you can only hear One Check One.

The recruits are shouting one Check One as we speak. It is highly irritating.

Especially when you know you've got tonnes to do, and you're absolutely a slob now, too lazy to do anything. Great, i now fall into the category of Lazy-Non-NSFs.

I'm not NSF, i'm not regular. sure. I'll run for your NSman team.

Its a lovely day. I wish i'm at home.. resting.. getting my back straight.. or swimming.. or taking a slow recuperating walk around the gardens.

a screech back to reality.... i'm not. I'm in my office. Just did up my Fire Support plan presentation for the afternoon. Loads of BMT stuff to iron up.. but but but.. just don't have the drive to do it.

Its probably just the lag i'm experiencing in everything due to acute pain.

Talking about pain...

My back hurts. It still hurts after well.. erm.. 2 weeks? wow.. its pretty much a constant already.. i'm strugling with the pain.. walking short distances even, and sitting on hard surfaces. i try my best not to say no to the above mentioned activities.. but its tough weighing which is more important.. walking to the mini-van that will send me back to camp, or getting the driver to come round the block to pick me up. Going to the toilet or peeing in my pants. its a tough decision really.

I haven't been to church in 2 weeks. i don't want to blame the pain. i mean. i can go to work yet i can't go to church? Huh? what the hell right?

I don't have any excuses or anything for disrupting my whole routine and all.. but but but. really.. i figured going to church would mean that i have to travel. and travelling.. is really something i don't want to do now unless i have my own car. even if i had my own car. i wouldn't want to move. i just want to sit/lie on my chair/bed and be still.

I've been dead worried over my back. well.. hell shit loads worried. worried to the point that i contemplated leaving to rest.. with my health in consideration. i was afraid i couldn't cope with the pain.. especially when i refused pain myself painkillers.

And probably, this is the end of the road, at least, for me.

And so it seems.

I'm struggling. Its obvious, and i'm not happy. i need a break.

And this is probably the reason why i will have cancer.

Its no secret. I've been fighting my own demons. Very hard. Especially since the beginning of Lent, a time for reflection and repentence.

I haven't seen my father in nearly 10 days.

I've virtually broken all the abstinences i've promised to keep.

That probably means i'm going to hell.

I virtually had a beer to every meal one week.

Was watching League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (and lady), and it was all about fighting your own demons, and how they go about doing it, some succumb to it (Dorian Gray), some overcome it triumphantly (Tom Sawyer), some overcame it, and even mitigated his guilt(Allan Quatermain), and some even made it good(Dr Hyde)..

Then as i showered.. i thought about what was Lent, and how was i doing for Lent.. and it obviously was bleak.

The more i thought about it, i realised that i was silly, making pretentious promises of keeping a clear mind without alcohol, keeping a clean mouth without vulgarities, and others to count. These are all but superficial innuendoes of the demon that lie within us.

Whats more important, is releasing this demon, and fighting it, to the very end.

I released mine, and i can't fight it. I certainly do not have the energy or the willpower, and only with the graces of G-d and Him willing, can I do it.

Jesus spent 40 days journeying in the desert, accosted by the devil himself. He was tempted, and he resisted, what came out of the desert was a reaffirmed Son of Man, surely, the perfect incarnation of G-d almighty.

I am but a mere human, seeking to resist the temptation in itself is a hurdle so great even the largest tsunamis would seem dwarfed. (and i say again, De-wharved).

The real demons that i fight each day, and each morning are frightening to myself. I shiver and fear each time i reflect on them, and now, i can really physically see the devil tearing myself up, piece by piece, and all i can do is sit and pray.

Happier things aside (this is my current optimism on the reality of what things are). My back is really tearing me apart. It hurts beyond all measures.. even after countless reassurances from caring friends that it probably is just a bad back sprain, how can a back sprain last a whole freaking week, and have the pain shoot down your left leg? and even hurt when you lift your right? and even hurt when you're not moving?

Surely i'm not worried, surely i'm not scared. I swear, i've never been this scared since. I've never been this scared.