So's the word.

I find it particularly hard to part with my cello and my blades. Which, after selling them off, i would be considerably well off by at least 1 k.

Yet, i have no use for them anymore. I hardly play nowadays, moreover, i'm going to england, and i intend to immerse myself into money making activities for the next few months after taiwan.

Music amuses me. I've been thinking of singing cantor. Its rather mad. me singing cantor. i doubt i'm that holy, holey, wholely solely.

Just watched Three Kings. Lovely show. Its one of the better american soldier shows.. Black hawk down wasn't that bad.. and We were soldiers was totally CRAP.

you could be a sexual deviant who has fetishes of peoples whose names are Jasons.

I just said that to erwin. Whats wrong with me.

I am a strawberry Stupid cake.

The world according to me.

So now i think its funny.....

Well.. we went for lunch at J8 after work.. they tired. i mentally drained. (with about a tonne of work in my bag.. and the stupid SINGAPORE tag to sew on my uniform :( )

So.. we were discussing movies to watch next week.. since we were all going to stay in. And he asked..

"Eh. you got brokeback right?"

"No.. no no.. actually its slipped disc.. "

Silence.

Its odd. I've been getting alot of smiles on my Friendster. and weird messages. from guys. And they want to be my friend. That sounds damn gay. odd..

So i replied to one (and all). Aren't I too young for you!?

hahaha..

------

Wisps of light blue, like fluttering leaves, my eyes catch. The musky smell of boiled wood, my nose sniffs. And that are all the senses used. The crisp touch of notes, and the sketching details on that piece, my fingers are numb. I've never seen this note before, nor its counterpart so called. It sits like blocks adding up to hundreds, and yet it flies so lightly away.

Money is hard to find these days.

So, you say?

You know.. its amusing that i've developed the kind of deaf ear.. the one where you can say one thing and it goes out the other.. Its really useful you know!

So.. The Most Irritating, Hypocritical, Difficult Bastard (TMIHDB) was going on and on.. blah blah blah.. scolding, telling me and everyone else how impatient he is with me.. etc.etc. how i never listen... etc etc. i caught GISTS of it.. thats it.. my face was stoic the whole time. Expressionless.. go.. carry on please.. i don't really care what you say, cus its all bullshit to me.

TMIHDB is really irritating, as his name suggests. Well, we can't fault people for being born with lower EQ.. its like blaming G-d for creating thunderstorms, or your mother for giving birth to you!

But certainly and definitely, we shouldn't bear grudges against such people. They're already pitiful enough, with people running away from them.. avoiding them.. etc etc.

I find it hard to bear grudges, i don't know why, i just do. But i thank G-d for it.

----

I was really stressed this afternoon.. so i went downstairs to look for the quiet corner to sit and pray.. my office was buzzing with activity, and they were oblivious to my plight.

And so, as i was traversing the 2nd floor, i uttered a silent prayer for relief and relaxation. Immediatly, I was drawn to the smoking corner on the first floor.. the corner where the storemen always gathered to chit chat and smoke their carcinogen laden sticks.

Weihao, Esmond, and Mingyao were there.. Everyone knew.. Mingyao and Weihao were like my favourite storemen.. Thats because they're so vivaciously entertaining and funnya almost all the time..

And so we sat there.. chatting about life.. and ORD.. and Taiwan.. and AWOLing in Taiwan.. and the weather, and my back, and all sorts of rubbish.. never touching work.

It was hilarious.. it was fun.. it was really relaxing. I went back to the office, rejuvenated. Remind me to tell you the funny stories they told me when we meet.

I told Weirong afterwards.. how i wish i was a storeman.

Da Chang Jin was grrrrreat.

So, i am addicted. officially.

I don't even have that kind of devotion to WORK, or to DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES, or to LOST, or to whatever..

I MUST be seated at 10 pm sharp on my bed, infront of the google box, and MUST NOT be disturbed for 1 hour while i asorb my kimchi dished Da Chang Jin. It is absolutely mesmerizing.

The theme song is like how stuck in my head now.

I need to re-emphasize, i really really hate asian serial dramas cus they're all soppy and weepy, and big hentai dewy eyed, and the girls always give the: 'i don't have a choice, but to get raped' face. The act cute kind where the girls call the male actors Ge Ge. Oh freaking gross..

But Da Chang Jin is so. wow. wonderful....

I was at S. Gedong the other day.. in the canteen.. and the aunty was like.. Aye, you mei you kan U pin dao na ge han kuo pian??? (Got see the Channel U korean drama?)..

and the uncle replied.. Na yi ge?? (which one??)

"Na ge han kuo mei hen mei de leh? Gu zhuang de... da Chang jin ah?" (The one with the pretty korean girl? Its a period drama, Da Chang Jin isit?)

"Orh... you! you! hen hao kan hor?" ( have have! very nice to watch hor?)

"Yah lor yah lor" (yes yes!)

I was highly amused that i shared the same interests as some old folks. Makes me feel rather. erm. old.

Anyway, i've been scouting around for a nice crucifix.. a nice one.. probably something with depth in it.. not just a plain one..

i like the Cross of the Risen Christ.. the one thats with Jesus on the cross.. fully clothed and with open arms? its really nice.. cus i think thats the most important believe we have in Jesus.. his power in life and in death. wonderful.

And why i've been gloomy

I have to dedicate, a post to why i'm worried like hell, have been horridly grumpy, and awfully silent.

My back, is causing a severe problem. I always knew that since i was younger, when i was more prone to back pains then others.

It never seemed like a real threat or a problem until 3 weeks ago.

It started off with a little soreness after sitting at my table for too long, then suddenly standing for CO parade for 1 and half hours.

The pain sensation thereafter was unbelievable, and it was really bad.

There was no real trauma, i can't really explain how it really happened.

The Doc said it was most probably slipped disc, or prolapsed disc, whatever you call it.

I am worried because:

1) I am 20, and i have a chronic injury that will return, again and again, and again, until the day i die.

2) I am leaving the SAF soon, officially in a few more days, I am under NSman after Apr 11, even though i am still considered 'active' service. I worry that the SAF may not cover my medical fees which will cost alot.

3) My life has come to a screeching halt (in my opinion). I am unable to go out like i used to, play tennis, run, or even sit for long hours without feeling acute pain.

4) I've been reading some articles on prolapsed discs, and it isn't favourable. Some say its incurable. Most are pessimistic about my own future.

5) I rely on painkillers every single day. There isn't a day that i can abstain from taking painkillers without getting on with my life. There are the moments after taking painkillers where i am ecstatic, and to only realise several hours later that hey. The problem is still there, and it is going to haunt me for the rest of my life.

6) It hurts. Every single moment if i don't take painkillers. And it has been. For 3 whole weeks. Tell me. why am i worried?

7) I keep telling myself, give it another week, give it another week. Weeks literally have passed, and the pain only diminished, slightly.

8) Every article i read, every person i speak to tell me that it is going to be a long road to recovery. I dread it, and i am afraid.

I may sound like a spoilt brat worrying like hell over what may seem minor as compared to cancer, or total disability, or blindness, but it really haunts me when the pain returns.

I am pretty lost, and very frightened.

You win.