It doesn't just begin today. It began 21 years ago.

Age. Aging. Aged.

So how does it feel to be physically 21 and mentally 15?

U have no idea how surreal this feels.

Alternatively, I could express it in terms of adept colloqualism as a 15 year old would do so.

It Rawks. (not).

It just suddenly dawned upon me that my life will be in my own hands from now on.. I practically gotta plan every step from now onwards myself. Not that I haven't started doing that already, but there was always an unplanned eventuality that I couldn't escape, PSLE, O levels, A levels, Army, Univeristy.. It wasn't decided by myself that I would go take these damned exams.. but it was more of a necessity.

Now.. being of age.. it feels daunting to think of the money that i will be earning, the house i will be moving to. The countries I will be staying in, the people I will be meeting. Things probably will never be the same again, as soon as I step out of Manchester Uni.

I just learnt an interesting fact though, R.Adm Teo Chee Hean was from Manchester Uni like donkey years ago! Cool! Haha.. So was Braggs (from Braggs' law) and countless of other physics, chem and engineering freaks from the early 20th century. Makes my uni a pretty geeky cool kind of univ. init?

I read Da vinci code last night before going to bed... Amazing isn't it? I start rebeling the moment i turn 21.. Tsk Tsk.. whats next? Alcohol? (oops.. been there.. done that.. left the scene)
So.. now that I am OLDER. let me go wallow in The Elements of Paleontology by Rhona Black. Sigh Sigh. (Jason. THINK of the money. JUST THINK of the money..)

When dreams are made of monsters.

I had a very weird dream last night.

A dream of large phallic symbols involving friends and people, weird terms like atheisitic cathecism, and what not.. I woke up rather confused and shocked. At least the sleep was restful.

Plymouth is boring, as usual. NOthing new. The Chrismas market isn't even up yet, which Manchester's has been up and running for the past week or so. I'd like to go again, maybe next week. I don't like working very much.

Sometime to relax, sometime to think.

So, I've been awarded some time to relax before I turn 21.

I had a scary thought when i was at the airport catching a flight to plymouth.. in fact, I had 2 scary thoughts.

As I am turning 21, I cannot help but think of my life's role in the world. My vocation, my calling. I keep thinking if I am indeed called to the secular world of having a job, getting married, and having kids, or am I called to lead a consecrated life. Its all very confusing there, and there were 2 epiphanies that I had, just by sitting in the airport, and watching the people go by.

There were alot of business people at the airport, all decked out in suits and ties, and dress skirts for ladies. Hell infact, most of them were in suits!

There were a quite a few immaculately dressed ladies, who were obviously going on working trips.

I couldn't help to think, if these people were married, and had children. Or did they enjoy a family life outside their work.

This may sound very medieval and controversial, but as a Catholic, we are called to lead lives that are productive, and I am quite struggling to reconcile the fact that you can have a productive life without getting married.

It always seem like getting married = productivity. Which, I am sure, is not correct, yet I still wallow in that stereotype. Nevermind.

The point is, I couldn't help but wonder if these working people were happy scooting around UK in their suits for their little meetings and what not at 7 pm in the evening away from their families. I couldn't help, but feel their share of emptiness.

Maybe it is indeed shallow for me to assume that they feel empty, but from my point of view, scooting around the country at 7pm is quite empty (i spoke to a few of them. i din assume). Most of them obviously didn't have religion.

Which leads to my 2nd objection and reflection. Is having a religion = being not empty?

I dunno.. never tried.

My second epiphany was when i was sitting beside this little old lady. She looked like your typical sweet english old lady, all prim and proper, and had smiles and sweets for everybody.

What struck me so was that she was chatty.. rather chatty for an average lil ole lady from England though..

And what struck me further was that she took out a photo of her husband and stared very intently at it. It made me quite sad then.

I know that i have an inherent liking for old people because they're so nice and slow, and they appreciate things so much more then we do, and they're so sweeet all the time.

But tonight was the first night that I ever thought, who ever did care for them gran and gramps? I questioned my own ministry in my vocation. Was I to be called to their side? That was another weird and difficult question.

I always thought that the prime of your life was when you reach 21 and head on to 30. So i have 9 years to do the stuff i wanna do, and have the fun i wanna have. Yet, I find my own inhibitions.

I don't know to praise God for all these moral inhibitions that I have, or to i dunno.

Sometimes, I feel so restricted. Sometimes when I go out at night, I am really tempted to go all out and have fun, be drunk and everything, but most of the time, my self precedes my desires.

Sometimes, I don't even go out, keeping in mind that I have church, or have dedicated the next day to something i deem important. Sometimes, I find myself too responsible.

I just feel so, old suddenly.

I give myself excuses, being drunk once too many times, and also have had my own share of crazy adventures in the past 3 years or so.. But its still a set of excuses to put myself into place.

Some of my flatmates think I am an immaculate person or something. Perfectly Clean, Perfectly Drink Free, Perfectly Curse Free, Perfectly good. I am not. So much so there was an expression of shock when i mumbled fuck.

I am not perfectly anything in anyway. I am just 21, and sometimes, I wanna be 15. : D

One of those weekends...

Its like.. you have something positive and then something bad happens.. and it becomes... i dunno.. just plaid.feelingless..

I was trying to hard to pray and concentrate during mass, but being the thurifer meant i had to be kept on my toes. And today being Christ the King, we put in more incense.. which made my clothes smell like frankincense.

Its amazing how I always never fail to question and doubt the gifts and blessings that God showers upon me. I need to work on that more.

It was a bad day at work, thats all i can say. I had so many i-want-to-quit thoughts.

Its pretty amazing how childish and annoyingly immature people are, oh yes, and how illiterate they are too... lets quote 2 examples.

annoymous: your pathetic attempts to suck up to us will not work. you know what we really despise other than the weak and incompetent opposition? suck ups like you.....

Haha.. This is really amusing.. The use of the group speech "US" and "WE" is as if PAP is telling me.. I don't need your vote (which is rather ridiculous after the previous election).. Haha.. the writer i would assume, is probably a very poorly educated person and maybe even perhaps disabled in understanding the deeper riches of English. Maybe that supports JY's argument on the government's lack of intervention with the lower socio-economic classes of Singapore.

Note to annonymous, throwing together 3 syllable words in an incoherent manner does not make you intelligent!! Work on your english dude!

annnonamous: hello. i am from pap. cannot tell you who i am or are. i can detain u under ISA and put u in this bingalow in sentosa next to IR> can see but cannot go. watch out be=ugger!

This one. I really dunno what to say.. peng san!!! Maybe.. Nananipoo poo.. come and catch me lor.. i in UK if you haven't realised... : P

Sigh.. why are there so many immature and mentally retarded people in this world. : (

so yeah.. tagboard will be removed, because i really hate anonymous comments. They serve to encourage cowardice behaviour. Even if it is harmless crap like Merry Christmas.. sigh.. sigh.. sigh...

Sometimes i feel that our world is simply too stupid to deserve to exist. Which makes me wonder if the second coming is soon.....