Sums up my thoughts precisely.

My friend from JC, Adrianna recently wrote a post on her blog about chasing dreams, and how she got to briefly taste hers.

I know exactly the pains involved, and how difficult it can get to do something so drastically life altering. I am still feeling the effects of this change, and I can tell you it really sucks..

But when I'm out there, doing what I wanna do, scaling cliffs, looking at rocks, making observations, caving, hiking, theres a kind of happiness that I can't put my finger on.

Its not the same kind of happiness as getting a new PSP, or a new iPod..

Its not the same kind of happiness as the great Festivities, or someone's wedding..

Its not EVEN the same kind of happiness as falling in love (for me that is ALWAYS painful).

Its like.... bliss.

I like to call it, being one in being with God, the Father almighty, creator of Heaven and Earth.

That is the kind of happiness I seek.

Go ahead and read her post at:

Popagandhi

and so the sun has finally decided to set.

Its 9, and the sun just set. Brilliant. Bloody brilliant.

Its 9, and the sky looks like its 7.

You have no idea how strange it is until you've experienced it.

Working alot these days. Money's bad. But extended working hours means good money.

Knackered all the time.

Spend the rest of the time thinking about things I should just leave to nature and God.

Man should not be left around to decide the things that I do.

There will always be a better day ahead.

I know people who put photos of final fantasy on facebook and friendster and think its cool. I think its sad.

Then again, its sad i spent the last 2 hours watching silly flicks of Black Adder and Scrubs.

Oh bloody brilliant ole' bean..

Emergency Divine Assistance Urgently Required.

Sending out another EDAUR message.

I will find out if I get the job with the British Geological Society tommorow. Yes, tommorow.

I need the job so badly, not just because of the experience and the exposure it can give me, but also the money which i really need in order to survive.

PLease please pray for me!

I know it isn't dignified to run!

i made a silly attempt to avoid the match day crowd today by finishing up work reeeeeaaaallllly quick, and running to the bus stop... all this by 9.15. So that I can reach back in my room by 10 at least.

Thank goodness I made it, and apparently there was some nuthead player who got injured, thus that gave me a few more minutes to run from the crowds before they came outpouring and clog up the whole road.

The last time Manchester United had a match (some charity match), the roads were so filled and clogged with all sorts of scallies that the bus got attacked by some retarded kid (Yes. I kid you not), and it took me 1.5 hours to get home instead of the usual 30 mins.

I hate working on match days i swear.

I thought about my work today, and how like everyone is leaving. Carla is leaving next week for greener pastures (twice the pay, office work, no scalding, no horrible customers, no dirty dishes), and theres only that few of us left, me aaron, kosta, yee, mark, and some randomers who come in from time to time. I might hand in my 2 weeks notice soon, if i can get meself a summer job beginning 15 june. : D

Dunno.. have to see how things go.

I also mused on how i never used to dread going to work (in singapore). I mean army wasn't all fun and games and all, and i had pretty heavy responsibilities, and while i was teaching, the girls can be a handful at times, but i had even better incentives to go anyway.. but never dreading my job this much.. so much so i just want to squat down and holler to the bowels of the earth. WWHhhhhhyy!!!

oh yeah.. i wrote in the MUSC forum.. (i quote myself) "Don't listen to me, I am skinny, small and wiggle alot" I must be sick in the mind.

I just wanted to be daft.

Maybe I'm secretly in Singapore doing nothing hiding at home everyday.

Oh if only that were true.

We're not so much the same, yet that much different.

Death, is mere sleep, in an immortal's arms.

Was just watching the videos on NBC about the Virginia Tech shootings that took place last week. Amazingly, people are reacting rather stoicly towards the whole situation and there are no mass outbursts of anger or displeasure towards the Korean American community.

I just got back from lunch with Viridis, Francis, and V's mum, who came to visit her. It was an awesome lunch since i've been craving for real proper dim sum for the longest time ever. Real food never tasted that good. It didn't really guilt me as much, especially when, I don't have ANY food in my fridge (i ate plain white rice with some japanese rice mix last night), and I am very severely broked because i haven't worked for some time.

Other bad news flowed in gradually, things like insane rates of exchange between British Pounds and the Singapore Dollar, depressing-not-going-home-for-summer-conversations and other stuff that a concerned mother would ask her daughter's fascinatingly insane friend.

My mum says that i should be fine not going home for summer since its not even a year yet, but words just fail me in describing how much i miss the sun, the warmth, the food, my friends, the church, tennis, and everything that is was, and will be me.

Its the middle of me being here, half way here, not here, and not really there. Struggling hard now to feel a sense of belonging, rather then being the oblivious happy tourist. Knowing and understanding that I might not go home, for the longest time.

It isn't fun and games.

At this juncture, the prayers are necessary, all possible forms of love, concern and outward exposure of kindness, is unfortunately, unecessary and as a matter of fact, fucking painful. I can only surly imagine the changes that I have to face when I go back, only to be straddled between 2 nations, 2 cultures, unable to resolve one from another, unable to abridge my life story.

It isn't all that fun anymore when I revert my mentality to the Singapore school of thought, where prospects, money, family all come first. Things that are important here and now to my 21 year old brain fades away, seemingly as if it never did matter, and things become alright as i desensitize myself from the misery of it all.

There is only one way to describe how I feel now.

Neither here nor there.