Exams.

天将广大任于私人，
必先劳其筋骨，
饿其体肤，
苦其心智。

I wish we could talk in music.

And I'd try to tell you this;



Sufjan stevens is amazing.

I wrote a very long letter to my brother today. I felt so much better afterwards. Writing down all my verbal diaorhea, nightmares, complaints, moments of happiness, and utter despondency of the future actually makes things so much better, and I know he will understand it more then anyone else in the world, and he is the only one who gives a fricking damn.

Exams are looming and I can't seem to concentrate. I wish I had an amazing memory, but the truth is, I have nothing in my head except the lyrics of Jerusalem and Mahjulah Singapura.

And did those feet, in ancient times,
walk upon England's mountain green.
And was the holy lamb of God,
on England's pleasant pasture seen?
And did the countenance divine,
shine forth upon on clouded hills?
And was Jerusalem builded here
among these satanic mills?

collecting my thoughts like droplets of rain.

Maybe I should have gone out to the barbican.. the alcohol would have done my brain some good. I seem to think better under the influence of the alcohol.. Things don't seem so complicated. ITs just 1+1=2. how tough is that.

time to sleep. stop thinking already.

A mere speck in the cog of the universe.

Another miserable Christmas passed. Thank goodness its almost over, and I can get to work tommoorow and pretend that I am a happy, unlonely, unmiserable twat who is nice to everybody.

Talking to greg made me realise that being lonely, or feeling rather fucked up about everything is quite normal, and its ok to talk about it once in a while to someone (in that case, greg) and then pretend everything is alright the next minute. Stupid isn't it? But it works.

Watching Finding Nemo alone today made me happy, AND sad at the same fucking time. Was like taking Valium and weed at the same time. No idea what that'll do to you, but I do know valium makes me calm, and weed.. well.. you get the idea. I thought flipping heck.. who the hell is ever going to find me?

Quite dejected and absolutely miserable on being alone on christmas day (the rest of the family had gone out to mount edgecomb which i thought was silly because it was miserable cold and wet (and even a damned caver/hiker (me) didn't want to go) and the sun was setting, so i said i needed to study, which was a truth, and they were entertaining Hakan's relatives anyway. I don't entertain people.) I wobbled back up to my room seeking solace in my Sedimentology notes, to no avail.. I couldn't concentrate, i was thinking of something that happened this school term, and it was replaying itself like a spoilt record over and over again. Spoilt it was.

I think I did well in rising above all that brouhaha (within myself) and dealt the situation rather fairly and swiftly, and things have some how healed a little since then, and I am pleased. I know that things would possibly never have gone the way I wanted it to, but i just couldn't help but to think how it would have felt if it did, and it actually thrilled me to even prospect that thought.

I did remember how happy those fleeting moments were. It is silly, and I don't want to talk about it anymore. Geologists don't have time for such nonsense.

So yes, loneliness cropped up again, and I couldn't help but wonder, what if i died alone. That was a frightening thought, sitting in a wheelchair facing the reflection of my old haggard self in the window, with my history and stories reflected to me on my face like an olde manuscript. It frightened me to bits. I think it is still a wonderful thing to have had it once rather then never to ever taste the fleeting moments of happiness in life.

There are quite a few of those, thankfully, sufficient for me to have hope in living.

Regardless of all those strange and almightily complex senseless feelings and emotions i have felt in this term, I am still very pleased with how 2007 has passed.

I travelled 5 countries, spent a good amount of time underground and made fucking awesome friends, and was jolly for a good 90% of the time(which is a fucking acheivement). Of course, fell in love more then once, with rocks, caves, hiking, and other non-important senseless things, and came to a certain odd strange awakening to the strange but marvellous culture of the angleterres. Oh yes.. and i did well in my exams and stuff too.

I guess it was a pretty good year.. 2006 was also flipping smashing if i recall it correctly.

I think 2007 was about to be run aground in the april/may period of desolation/home missing/family hating/fear of exams/general mental issues but a summer full of caves, mines, and costa coffee work with the wonderful people at costa coffee plymouth turned it around and made good of it.

I hope next year will be even better.. hopefully as good as 2006 (which was the best year of my life so far)... and to acheive that, I just might have to increase my alcohol intake.

So it can't be a good year for me unless its been a good year for you, so have a smashing 2008 too!

oh yes... wonderful things planned for 08 include:

1) A week in Ireland faffing about caves
2) 9 weeks in Spain faffing about mountains AND caves (what a deal!)
3) 2 weeks in Singapore! Whee!

Compelling at best.

The best company for christmas for any single guy is his iPod, his dog, and himself. Unfortunately, I don't have a dog.

I've been thinking about my faith and religion and the stuff surrounding it.

I haven't a clue what to think. 1 year on, moving from Singapore, away from my own parish, trying hard to assimilate into the regime of churches here in Britain, I still haven't gotten round to it, and it can be aptly described as having gone from bad to worse.

Its one of those things, like binge eating.. Oh I'll go to the gym and run off the calories from that roast duck later.. ooh biking to uni will make me lose that fat. It doesn't happen. It never happens.

Thats the same when you're a catholic wondering and left alone to wonder about things. Things that are very hard to grasp even when you are a theologist, stuff that are not animate, like faith, and hope, and love, and all that stuff that make you warm inside and declare your love for that non-denominational-specific monotheistic deity; God.

I almost sound like an unbeliever now.

Most of my mates know that I am Catholic, and quite a confusing one at that. I'm the one who whole heartedly believes in Darwin's theory of evolution, Lyell's proposition of uniformitarianism, and of course, C-14 carbon dating. This doesn't put me in a very good alignment with the presumably scientific teachings of the church. (not otherwise known as scientology for the idiots out there).

Try justifying what you know for facts and match them up to that book that you have been brought up to believe and base your worship on.

And theres that whole issue about abortion, gay rights, and death sentencing. 3 very large issues that seem to clash with what I believe the church should say, or shut up about.

As much as I believe that ladies shouldn't abort unless there are reasons called for, the measures taken by the church to eliminate abortion rights suprise and shock me. It is the choice of the ladies, by first means, to be pregnated. Take the context of the immaculate conception.. WHen Mary was told that she was going to be pregnated with Jesus, she could have said.. hell no. i don't want no saviour in my tummy! But she didn't. THerefore she has Jesus.

Isn't that choice? If the lady chooses to be silly and have the baby.. she still should have the choice to give up the baby? What irks me most is that if you're telling me that the kids born by these abortion-minded-ladies will live a normal life. What makes you think so? If the mother thought once of killing her child, only to be stopped by anti-abortion measures, what makes you think she will treasure her child more? hmm..

Then theres the whole gay rights thing. I concur, gay-marriage no no.. civil union, perfectly alright.. Thats cus Matrimony, is a sacred thing based on thousands of years of intrinsic religious practice infused with a balance for the male and female. No arguments about that. Marriage is always between man and woman, nothing more, nothing less, has been, always will be. Like how we rotate around the sun. Then theres the denial, that homosexuality is a choice. That frightens me. I don't believe that human desires are a choice. Like my need for food, or oxygen, the need or want for a life partner canot be denied. How can you deny that? how can you compare it with sexual perverseness like paedophillia and barn-fun? Love between 2 men or women cannot be discounted just because they like sex in a manner different from you.

I believe that criminals ought to be shot. Howabout that? fullstop.

So yeah.. My faith is currently under fire, and I can actually think of a few people who are cheering right now. (no not the devil). I don't know where to go from here, whether to drop the Apostolicam Ecclesiam Catholicam from my Facebook status under religion, or to seek that reconcilliation and hope for the best.

I've always pride myself in being a catholic, i loved being a catholic, and there wasn't anything to hate about the faith until now. it feels oddly strange, and I don't think i'm alone in feeling isolated from this whole institiotional worship. I jsut need a hand, a message, a bellowing voice from the vastness of heaven, a winning lottery ticket, an unexpected windfall, to just remind me that there is a God. Not the savagery, cruelty, loneliness, pain and suffering that seems to covert the news channels.

Merry Christmas to all Chrisitians, and Happy Yuletide to all.

usually.

It is at this point in the night.. 0026 hours, after a couple of hours of studying, watching the god Bill Bailey illustrating british life, and just general tiredness and lookingforwardtonothingness that I click PAY on the www.asos.com page and spend 60 pounds on a hoody and a pair of shoes.

no no. I haven't done it yet, But i see it coming, so i'm just going to turn my lap top off, and retire to bed.

I do like the hoody and shoes very much though.

But being 200 quid overdrawn is, erm, not exactly what I call shopping material.