There and back again.

I thought about doing Spain pt 2 with pictures, but screw it. I'm too busy, and procrastinate too much to care.

So yes. There are about a trillion thoughts zooming through my head at the moment and its all very scary. So i thought I should probably write it all down;

1) Being here, now, opening my email, reminding me that my post-trip bursary report has to be in by Nov 1. That feels weird, that I somehow wiggled my way into the sub-category of people who convince rich men to give them money to do silly things like caving. Then, opening another mail from Cave Research, pointing me towards a couple of essential information about this/next year's young researcher award. Young researcher? I thought the best I did was only reading wikipedia!!

Then theres that whole. Aye, i'm in Britain thing. It happens once every so often, especially when I reach for my bookshelf for a Chinese Poetry book, or just a chinese book in general, and there isn't any at all.

Who would think, 2 years ago, that i'd be me, doing all these silly crazy things that I once could only dream of?

2) Being there. Later, its like, I've always been busy, very busy, and that kept my mind away from all the awful things there are to see in life, and just fucking get on with it. Its awesome. Lately, I'm beginning to feel broody, and lonely. I think its my biological clock. Its confusing.
What a joy it was when we ran into Footleg and Caroline, and Footleg thrust his less then 1 year old daughter, Natalie, into my arms and said; "see you on sunday". Of course, that didn't happen.. no on in their right mind would entrust their child to a drunken university caver. I had to give Natalie back after a couple of minutes when my semi-broken finger hurt like hell.
So yes. How will this year be like? I don't know. Chances are, i'll still be alone, miserable under the sheets, and nonchalantly me. No babies.

3) Thinking about being there. Sometimes, you really want to go somewhere or do something but can't. Or you have to choose. I hate situations like that. Then people judge you for the decisions you make. Its not fair. I don't like it. I shouldn't be judged for the decisions I make.. Its not as if they'll hurt or kill anyone!

4) Reading minds. Its like, its so easy to read a person when you're invisible to yourself. You are out of the picture, you have no intentions, and you have no thoughts, you are not you. Its so easy when you're in that mood to read a person's mind, just from what they say, their body language, and their eyes, and fucking hell, its betraying. Sometimes, I really don't like what I see.

Then again, there are the odd moments when you're trying to summon up the deepest courage and strength within you to supress who you are and what you think, just to gauge, or simply guesstimate what another person is thinking. But because you think they're hot/ugly/stupid/fallen-impossibly in-love with, you can't think straight. Thats been happening alot lately. I much prefer the passive, nonchalent, "you can go screw yourself" me.

5) Being angry. I am half of who I used to be. In terms of anger that is. I am going to be very very very idiotically republican and sappy religion extremist by saying that it all changed when I found God. I don't know if I still think the same as I did a couple of years back, but I still am that very odd person who doesn't get angry as often as I should. I think I should.

6) Being angry for no reason. Most of the time, when I get annoyed or get angry, I tell myself that I'm being angry for nothing. Its stupid. Obviously I'm angry about something, but I don't say it. I just think it, so that it makes whatever thats making me angry explode. I like that very much.

7) I've been repeatedly told I need psychiatric help. Someone told me that when they read my Field Notebook and noted that ALL THE FUCKING WORDS ARE IN CAPITALS, AND ARE EXACTLY THE SAME SIZED, 1MM TALL. NO MORE NO LESS. Another told me that when I woke up in the morning and declared that I think I'm going to cry, because my Map looks awesome. And remember that time, just before 1st year final exams when I couldn't stop washing my hands? i think its pointing to something.

8) I couldn't stop laughing at piss flaps last weekend. I just couldn't.

9) All bad things happen at the same time: Just as when you're rushing for a deadline, your bike cable wires break, you run out of money, you have to meet a friend, someone you work with piss you off so bad you spend 2 hours cursing his/her name, all just when I'm rushing for a bloody deadline.

10) Fanciful pop and schmops, things that interest you for the next 5 days before something new pops up again, and you keep looking at facebook going, aaaw, and dreaming, like a euromillion wannabe.

11) Intimacy without Intricacy is the key to all our problems.

Let on.