Its always like that, find a new hobby, dedicate life to it, die with it.
Thats what I always do. I don't settle for a B grade, I don't settle with fringe involvement, but I always go all in. Dedication. Thats what it is all about isn't it?
Now, I'm split, like a melon. I don't know and I'm sleepy as well. That doesn't help.
Nobody has ever loved you anyway.
Friday, December 05, 2008
Tuesday, December 02, 2008
Om.
Another year has passed so quickly. Without effort, another age of youth has gone.
It is the time of my life where I start asking real questions and fear for the future. Things that are more real, more scary then any other ever. But if you think about it calmly.. its not that big a deal. Just get on with it.
My sluggish attitude towards school work has got to end. I am so behind my FUCKING MOUNTAIN OF WORK that I have to wake up at 7 just to try and catch up, even though i know i won't be able to finish it at my own prescribed deadline. It is very demoralising.
Another thing that is demoralising; watching your world around you slow down, and realising how everyone else is moving fast ahead, faster then you are. This is the time when I should probably sit up and say, get on with it Jason, just bloody get on with it. But i find myself immobilised, by what is the beauty of sitting in time. Like sitting in a hot bath.
Long gone is the deadly desire to keep running till I fall, all I want to do now is lie down on the green pastures beside the still waters, and restore my soul.
Very soon, the sun will hover just above the horizon, and I will have to get up from my moist perch in the fields to carry on running towards the sun, to another field where I have another couple of hours to lie and bath in time.
Caving. Is amazing, its taken me on mentally and physically, challenged me to the brink of collapse, brought me to the verge of mental breakdown, and given me a taste of life, and possibly death. My words do it no justice. To hang on a rope 50m underground with another 50m to go is possibly the closest feeling to being alive as I can summon within my brittle and cynical mind.
People around me seem to not be alone, but I revolve, like an asteroid alone in this orbit of smashing rocks. Some smash, some collide, some join up. All i do is revolve and from my orbittal path, I watch them do the things they do that make them who they are and make them human, while time goes by.
Sometimes I wish a rock might just collide into me just so that I could remind myself how it felt to have a desire and a passion for another person other than that derived from pure charity and concern. But when I watch the rocks smash when they collide with overly explosive force, I avert my glance and thank the heavens that I prefer my singulatory orbital path.
But who knows what that continuum holds? Maybe the countenance of my future will arrive someday, or could it be the countenance of my nemesis, or my passion? They are all transient afterall. It doesn't matter.
Aum!
It is the time of my life where I start asking real questions and fear for the future. Things that are more real, more scary then any other ever. But if you think about it calmly.. its not that big a deal. Just get on with it.
My sluggish attitude towards school work has got to end. I am so behind my FUCKING MOUNTAIN OF WORK that I have to wake up at 7 just to try and catch up, even though i know i won't be able to finish it at my own prescribed deadline. It is very demoralising.
Another thing that is demoralising; watching your world around you slow down, and realising how everyone else is moving fast ahead, faster then you are. This is the time when I should probably sit up and say, get on with it Jason, just bloody get on with it. But i find myself immobilised, by what is the beauty of sitting in time. Like sitting in a hot bath.
Long gone is the deadly desire to keep running till I fall, all I want to do now is lie down on the green pastures beside the still waters, and restore my soul.
Very soon, the sun will hover just above the horizon, and I will have to get up from my moist perch in the fields to carry on running towards the sun, to another field where I have another couple of hours to lie and bath in time.
Caving. Is amazing, its taken me on mentally and physically, challenged me to the brink of collapse, brought me to the verge of mental breakdown, and given me a taste of life, and possibly death. My words do it no justice. To hang on a rope 50m underground with another 50m to go is possibly the closest feeling to being alive as I can summon within my brittle and cynical mind.
People around me seem to not be alone, but I revolve, like an asteroid alone in this orbit of smashing rocks. Some smash, some collide, some join up. All i do is revolve and from my orbittal path, I watch them do the things they do that make them who they are and make them human, while time goes by.
Sometimes I wish a rock might just collide into me just so that I could remind myself how it felt to have a desire and a passion for another person other than that derived from pure charity and concern. But when I watch the rocks smash when they collide with overly explosive force, I avert my glance and thank the heavens that I prefer my singulatory orbital path.
But who knows what that continuum holds? Maybe the countenance of my future will arrive someday, or could it be the countenance of my nemesis, or my passion? They are all transient afterall. It doesn't matter.
Aum!
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